ohshucks

friedbean @ 2009-04-06T10:02:00

2009-04-07T14:06:52Z

So much good but also so much bad. Luckily, good always prevails in my mind.

I'd like to go to europe with nothing but a back pack and a little money. Live by chance, wish for luck, and hope for the best. One day, I plan on doing this.

Andddd my parents probably won't pay for my education after this semester. I'm doing horribly. HOO HA!

I hate coffee...currently, I am chugging it. So much to do today. It's insane! Fuck economicsc and all that it entails.

friedbean @ 2009-03-25T07:23:00

2009-03-26T11:33:18Z

I've truly never been more physically and emotionally exhausted. I think I've gotten about 20 hours of sleep in the past week. It's so hard to settle...even when my mind and body are screaming at me to sit down, relax, and go to sleep. Too much going on. I feel bad sleeping peacefully when everything is in shambles.

There is one thing on this earth that I cannot stand. The feeling of helplessness is something that I just can't handle. Nothing is my fault but I feel like I need to fix it and fix it fast. There's nothing I can do though. I'm starting to come to terms with this...it's just hard. I just want to make everything easier.

I remember the second I found out. The fear and sadness were overwhelming; I never thought those feelings could actually heighten. Surprise! Damn it.

friedbean @ 2009-03-10T21:37:00

2009-03-12T01:39:56Z

This past few days has been great. Finally getting my act together and it feels good. I've been sleeping more and being more productive. I'm happy about this.

Road trip Friday. I don't even know how to contain my excitement. My goodnesssss!

friedbean @ 2009-03-10T00:36:00

2009-03-11T04:37:09Z

pinch me.

friedbean @ 2009-03-04T09:58:00

2009-03-04T15:12:22Z

Shit, moment of weakness.

I needed a botch to happen cause I knew what I was doing was wrong. I needed to stop doing what I was doing and I needed something to make that happen. Boy, did it happen. Not exactly the botch I was hoping for--but I guess it did the trick. Totally need to be careful what I wish for.

It's been a pretty rough couple of days. I've truly never felt worse, I've never cried more, and I truly have never tried harder to smile. There is no one to blame except for myself. I've learned so so so so so so much about myself and my life in the past few months. Everything seems to have changed drastically, and for the worse, but each step has been a learning experience for me. I have an entirely new perspectiive on myself and the way I live my life. I am able to recognize that there are things I need to change and I have been working on them each day for the past few weeks. Clearly, I haven't been doing a great job. Inside, I know I have changed for the better. I've never had a more positive outlook and for a short period of time, I was on top of the world. I know the person I want to be and I will become that person. I have absolutely no regrets, just lessons learned. I will do anything and everything in my power to find myself again and dig myself out of this hole.

I need a chance to prove myself. I will do it. I need to do it. Do it with me. Please.

"So the possibility of losing her as a friend completely breaks my heart because I am so scared for the road that lies ahead. What if I can’t find someone else I can talk to? I am so scared to lose her because I am so scared to lose my person. "

and also. you look so beautiful in your default.

friedbean @ 2009-02-24T19:29:00

2009-02-25T00:29:37Z

I really need a botch to happen.

friedbean @ 2009-02-18T20:38:00

2009-02-19T01:43:34Z

I am so much happier now than I was. I am happy about this.

I insist on doing things that have a high rate of ending badly. Oh well!

I NEED summerrrr.

friedbean @ 2009-02-14T15:55:00

2009-02-14T20:55:55Z

uhhhh can i be done?

friedbean @ 2009-02-06T22:37:00

2009-02-07T03:42:44Z

The way I felt this morning reminded me why I don't go out on school nights. To say that I wanted to jump out of the 3rd story windows of my classrooms cannot explain the horrible hangover. I made it to all my classes though! I was pretty proud of myself. Three hours of sleep last night and I'm still awake without a nap in me---how? Miracle.

I mees my franndsss too muchhh.

friedbean @ 2009-02-05T11:08:00

2009-02-05T16:14:18Z

I have to write a short story for my creative writing class...WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD MY PLOT BE? If you read this entry...please give me serious help.

I've been sleepin at school lately..partly because I'm terrified my car I will break down again and partly because if I live at home for one more dat, I will go bonkers.

I have two teachers that do not teach at all...and they are my hardest classes. I am already struggling a little bit. OH WEL.

I absolutely cannot stand when people type hard on the key board...like, it still has the same result if you gently lay your fingers on the keys. BANGING on every last letter is so unnecessary. It really drive me insane. I also cannot stand hearing people CRUNCH. The other day, I was in my livin groom doing homework and my mom was in the kitchen makin dinner. Well I don't know what the fuck she was eating... but it was SOOOOOOOOOOO loud. I was going insane. I literally couldn't concentrate on my homework. Such little things get on my nerves.

I'm loving these 25 things about me on facebook....gives me something to do! I'm also recently obsessed with facebook chat...it's all I want to do!

I am happy.

friedbean @ 2009-01-31T17:06:00

2009-01-31T22:18:23Z

Not that funny..

I don't really have anything earth-shattering to say. I'm really exhausted and can't wait to rest my body and mind after writing this pointless entry. Kelsey smoked a cig in my room last night and the scent will not leave. It's killing meee. My room is also -43 degrees and I shiver constantly. It's literally the temperature of outside...purples hands. Good thing Rachel's coat somehow ended up in my room...extra layer.

I find it very weird when boys babysit...I don't know why. I just read a boys away message and it said "babysitting...hit up the cell". Initial reaction is "what the fuck". But I don't think dads are weird...

I'm looking forward to tonight...friend is forcing me to watch ufc bullshit so we're going to HOOTERS (yippee...) to watch it. Then probs going out for some festivities...I don't think I'm drinking though (whaaaattt?!). We'll see how that goes...taking one for the fucking team. UNWILLINGLY I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW.

Started my new job today...not bad. I basically just did homework the whole time. Lovee itttt.

Marginal benefit > marginal cost: learned about it economics. We related it to real life and I'm going to try to start living by it...without being selfish.

I've been semi-obsessed with the all american rejects for the past two weeks (roughly)...I'm not really sure how I feel about this.

friedbean @ 2009-01-29T02:24:00

2009-01-29T07:26:57Z

1-i cannot believe i am still awake....i have an 8am!! ahhhh. whatever though
2-i feel so happy right now.
3-i continued reading the bible and i enjoy it
4-WEEEEEEE I WANNA WAKE UP IN THIS MOOD.

friedbean @ 2009-01-27T08:09:00

2009-01-27T16:18:38Z

School started up--finally. My classes aren't bad...they won't be easy but that's nothing new really. Only one of my teachers is complete waste of my time...so I will have to teach myself everything. Of course it's accounting.......goodie. I'm really looking forward to my creative writing class....parts of it at least. Not looking forward to writing a play, short stories, and a ballion poems. But we have to keep a journal and everyday is basically a discussion. So that's cool...get my creative juices flowing.

Finally got my computer fixed today--WOOO I have internet back. Of course I had a virus...so everything had to be deleted off of my computer. YAY. I have no music and no old documents.....oh well. Starting fresh.

I really have to be semi-productive. Not even in regards to school...I mean I have homework. But no biggie. I really just have to clean my freakin room. Everyone always sleeps here and no one ever picks up their mess hah....so it just builds up. So cluttered with blankies and empty alcohol bottles and shit--so gross.

My parents are going away this weekend..I'm excited. But that means my sister and her boyfriend will be here ALL weekend. So much for enjoying alone time. My mom called me earlier to tell me what to do if her and my dad die............awesome phone call HAH SIKE. Kind of awkward...

I'm meesin the way things used to be.

friedbean @ 2009-01-22T16:36:00

2009-01-22T21:34:33Z

Fuck

friedbean @ 2009-01-19T22:38:00

2009-01-20T03:54:09Z

-I am sometimes happy when people are sad. I do not feel bad about this.

-I enjoy the snow...its peaceful and nice to look at when it's coming down. I shoveled tonight and made $50. woo now I can get gas. holla.

-school starts in a week WOO!

-regret regret regret!

-so much more I'd like to say!

friedbean @ 2009-01-18T23:23:00

2009-01-19T04:42:37Z

I had a really great weekend. Spent 98% of it with kels val and rachel. Really enjoyed every single minute of it.

I am fighting a lost battle so I will stop.

I have nothing nice to say anymore so I will also stop talking.

friedbean @ 2009-01-17T13:48:00

2009-01-17T18:58:44Z

I am confident in saying that The Roxxy is the most ridiculous place on the east coast...I'd like to say I will never go again...but something tells me the ugly boys, wandering hands, half naked drunk girls, and orgasm contests will tickle my fancy again. Funny.

friedbean @ 2009-01-14T15:24:00

2009-01-14T20:42:35Z

I reaaaaalllly can't wait for school to start. I've really never looked forward to anything more. I don't even know why...it's not like I get to move out of my house or anything. Everything stays the same except I'm home less and I have to do homework every second that I get. I can't wait. Janns is finally open again also. I go in tonight--boss is giving me a key! And I get to open all by myself on Sunday. I'm also going into the library either tomorrow or Friday to start working there. I literally won't have a life when the semester starts but I don't really mind. It sometimes sucks having to PLAN in advance to see my friends but I'm learning to live with it. I can also say bye bye to sleep this semester...unless I go to bed early every night (which will probably happen hah). I have all early classes and I work at 10 during the weekend. Oh well...I picked early classes hah such a loser. I like being busy because it makes me feel like I'm actually doing something with my life. I have macroeconomics this semester and I'm already shitting my pants about it. I also looked up all my professors on ratemyprofessor.com and 3 of the 5 supposedly don't teach anything and I'll have to teach myself...YAYY. wah.

I hate that pic messages use up all my cell phone battery.

I have an unhealthy obsession with Jon & Kate plus 8.

friedbean @ 2009-01-10T15:02:00

2009-01-10T20:09:35Z

At last.

can pick my ass up again!

....HOPEFULLY.

like a fucking gnaaaatttttttt.

friedbean @ 2009-01-05T13:23:00

2009-01-05T18:41:06Z

New years was the worst night ever--it started out great...but around 2 it all went downhill for me. annnnd I had the WORST hangover on the face of this earth. Literally close to death....all I have to say is OOPS.

There are tons of things I'd like to do with myself...but I know none of them will happen. sooooo--what's the point? Also, why do I need a new year to recognize and attempt to change any bad things in my life?? However, I WILL get a hobby...I think it will be big brother big sister-- idk if that really counts as a hobby...but I'll make it mine.

I'm currently watching a movie called--JUNGLE FEVER. Pretty good.

I'm eager for the start of the new semester. I just ordered a few of my books yesterday--THAT was depressing but whatever. I like small changes and new people. Also excited to learn new things and stuff...hope my professors don't completely suck.

Sometimes I'm worried.

friedbean @ 2008-12-30T11:48:00

2008-12-30T17:06:49Z

Chirstmas was nice--I had a virus but whatever...just a few hours of explosive diarrhea. HAH. I got pretty much everything I wanted so that made me happy. It wasn't too bad being with family and stuff too.

Other than that, break has been pretty fun. I like my home friends a lot and all I've been doing is spending time with them. Wasting money and shits with them. good timez.

I'm having people over for new years--pretty excited. pissed i have to clean my room though!! It's so messy right now. Gotta clean it because there's so much sleeping space in it.

I've been to the movies 3 times this break so far--wtf. That's the most I've been in the past 3 years. Good movies though.

I'm happy and really have nothing to complain about.

friedbean @ 2008-12-15T22:53:00

2008-12-16T04:09:55Z

I've only been on break for about 3 days now and I'm already feeling worthless hah....the only reason I changed out of my pajamas today was to go to mcdonalds. nothing less of disgusting.

It was really warm out today--what's up with that? Not that I'm complaining...being cold is probably my least favorite thing on earth. It was just a tease...I just want summer to come...and rambling to start--LOVE IT. If I don't get 4th grade girls, the Jordan family is dead.

I'm kind of excited to see a few people this break. I doubt I will...a lot of the people I want to see are a year younger...so they're all into the BREAKS and shit. It's so funny what one year older does to a person...I hope none of that sounded condescending.

I'm having a new years gathering...not sure how excited I am for it. I guess it's still early...I wish my parents weren't gonna be home so I could invite anyone I wanted. My dad is like "bean I better not have a billion kids runnin around here on new years..dont get out of hand" They're cool though...at least it's somethin to do. Everyone knows NOTHING goes on on new years...last year, I went to olive garden. Then picked up my drunk friend in PA because her boyfriend hit her by accident or some shit....then I got lost in PA for 3 hours...SO MEMORABLE hah. Let's hope this new years is a littllleee less memorable--catch my drift? LOL.

Every time I say "LOL" I am mocking the abbreviation. I always regret saying it to certain people because I don't want people to think I actually like the abbrev...I actually think it's so gay. Whateverrr

I got myself in a little rut....not really a rut. But a lil cycle of annoying...I'm a hypocrite and I'm kind of mad at myself for it...not always though (a hypocrite). whatevs.

So far I have 3 A's...can't wait for all my grades to be posted! I'm a loser...I got most of my christmas wrapping done...woo.

my fuckin G key is botched...it's like delayed of some shit....so it always shows up on the comp AFTER I hit the space bar...so then I have to backspace to fuckin gfix it---IT JUST HAPPENED BACK THERE...I didn't fix it...decided to give a little visual. It's too late for me to be typing...

friedbean @ 2008-12-08T11:17:00

2008-12-08T16:33:33Z

I just wrote 9 essays for one of my finals....good god I'm thrilled that's over. One presentation and one final exam from freedom. Eureka.

I think my sisters both think I have an eating disorder hahaha. I'm skinnier than both of them and they are clearly bitter about it because they constantly like..yell at me about it. All kyr ever says to me is "shut up..go eat a jar of mayonaisse" hahah. Or they'll be like "go eat bitch" or some shit like that..and I'm like uhh I'm not hungry right now. It's just funny...I know they think I don't eat. Last night, lindsy and her family came over for dinner. We had hamburgers, french fries, salad, other shit. Whatever--well I didn't put a bun on my cheeseburger because I wasn't that hungry and I knew it would fill me up too much if I ate the bun too...and lindsy went to hand me a roll and I was like "oh no thanks..I'm not really hungry" AND THEY BOTH LOOKED AT EACH OTHER AND RAISED THEIR EYE BROWS. hahah wtf? Imma kill them. This is my life...ps--I eat. HAH.

I get to sell my books back today woooo...maybe now I'll be able to fill my tank! Or do anything besides sit in my house and drink $5 champagne! I hope I get one million dollars for christmas...my friends always come home and are excited to do all this shit and eat at all these places. I think they forget that I LIVE here all the time...sucks. I always have trouble when they come home becuase I end up spending hundreds of dollars that I don't have. I think I spent around $250 when they were home for Thanksgiving break...I couldn't even tell you what we did. WHATEVS. LOVE THEM.

I miss people from high school....it's weird that when college comes, you stop talking to ALLLL these people you love. But it's not like I was ever FRIENDS FRIENDS with these people...I just miss people like Jimi Brown...or the loud girl in my accounting class who I was like bff with from 7:40-9:22. I can't even remember her name anymore. Shit..that's going to annoy me for ever. I think I'll always miss good ol Ewing High.

friedbean @ 2008-12-06T17:29:00

2008-12-06T22:37:41Z

"hold your own, know your name, and go your own way"
probs my fave lyrics for the past few weeks...im gonna write it in the book i give my neph for his first birthday. i hope it reads it in like 15 years and understands it.

friedbean @ 2008-12-06T10:25:00

2008-12-06T15:40:25Z

I thought I deleted this....then I missed it after a week so I made a new account...then came across this...turns out I didn't delete it. wtf? HA. I'm an idiot.

ANYWAY--kind of a rough week. Don't really know why...I think the majority of my unhappiness has been a result of commuting...I reallllly fucking hate it--it's horrible. I've lost friends...I can't stand my family...I'm alone a lot. It's just annoying. I can't believe I still have another semester of it...can't wait till next year. Seriously have never looked forward to anything so much. I also think this week was rough because I've had sooo much work its nuts. I know everyone does at this time of year...but holy shit. A 9 essay final exam...really? Still working on that one...ONLY 7 MORE TO GO! WOO!

One of the things I don't like about myself is that I don't accept the way people are...like when someone doesn't have the same mindset as me, I absolutely can't understand theirs. That may not make sense....but it does to me. and probably Jessie haha. I also don't understand how people jump from people to people...this goes for friends...boyfriends...girlfriends..whatever. It just makes me sad that people aren't really loyal. and influenced by everything on earth....435 groups of friends in the past 4 years has got to say something..

going shopping with sis.